Church member excommunicated for criticizing Expelled

FREEPORT, Kans. – On Sunday, the Church at Clearwater Crossing announced the excommuncation of Kevin Walker, one of its longtime members.  Walker, a 33 year old systems analyst at Danville Industries, has been a member of the church for 28 years.  According to church officials, Walker’s membership was terminated because he openly criticized Expelled, a recent pro-Intelligent Design documentary.

The offending comments were made in a Wichita-area Starbucks where Walker had gathered with other members of the Thirty-Somethings Sunday School class, after watching the Ben Stein documentary.  When prompted to give his opinion of the film, Walker is reported to have described it as “unfunny,” “disorganized,” “rambling,” “dishonest,” and “$9.50 that would have been better spent on another one of these coffees.”

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing Kevin say,” said class member Amy Strahan, who was so appalled that she knocked her Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte into her boyfriend’s lap.  “I mean, I thought he was a Christian.”

In Walker’s opinion, the film began well by effectively chronicling the dismissals of prominent intellectuals who dared to even raise the possibility of Intelligent Design (ID).  “Stein was arguing that in a free society, like America, all points of view should be given a hearing,” he said.

However, Walker believes the documentary quickly got off track when it ridiculed the evolutionary hypothesis that life began on the backs of crystals or was seeded by Extra Terrestrials.  “When Stein dismissed [Darwinian scientist Michael] Ruse’s hypothesis as quickly as the scientific establishment dismisses ID, the film’s thesis suffered irreparable damage,” Walker said.

Walker also cited Stein’s gross oversimplifications, leading questions, goofy cartoon clips, and his “painfully annoying voice” as only some of the reasons why he believed the movie tanked.

Church staffers learned about Walker’s denunciation when Arthur Durnham, the Thirty-Somethings class facilitator, approached them for advice.  “When Artie told us that one of the class members had spoken out against Expelled, we knew that we had to take decisive action,” said Jerry Spinks the church’s Executive Pastor.  “After all, we have fragile homeschoolers in our congregation who could be corrupted by [Walker’s views].”

Spinks reports that dozens of the church’s homeschooled families are flocking to the film, hoping that it will equip the youngsters with facile one-liners with which they can diffuse and dismiss Darwinian dogma.

According to Spinks, the staff’s greatest concern was Walker’s spiritual condition.  “The reviews of this film are so telling: Christians love it and the liberal, vegetarian, secularists give it rotten tomatoes,” argued Spinks.  “Since Kevin didn’t like it, he is clearly unsaved.”

The church took action at the weekly staff meeting.  “We hadn’t exercised biblical church discipline in over 60 years,” explained Spinks.  “But Kevin’s sin was so egregious that we knew we had to do it.”  Spinks says he was nominated to handle the sticky situation since he has a background in corporate human resource management. 

“Despite the fact that Intelligent Design goes out of its way to say that it is not arguing for the Christian God and despite the fact that Ben Stein is a messiah-denying Jew, the ID movement and Expelled are obviously anointed works of God,” Spinks said.  “When Kevin spoke out against Expelled, he was rebelling against the will of the Lord.”

Asked if it was possible for Kevin Walker to be restored to the congregation, Spinks replied, “No. Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is the unpardonable sin.”


One response

  1. You had me until I noticed your blogroll! That was funny. Thanks for the laugh.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: